Vita in progress

Fragment 1: A Chameleon

I was 22. I was reckless. Well, I am still reckless, but about different things.

I was 22. I thought, “Just go for what’s in front of you.” I did this for survival, experience, and financial reasons.

I was 22. I had an undergraduate degree with more than satisfactory results, but I didn’t know what to do.  

I had a chance to stay. But, it was so unclear. Had I had more privilege, I might have taken the shot. I did not have it. The option to stay would be a financial burden. Well, my plan wasn’t clear, either.

I was 22. I had my freedom. I’ve been staying in a different city, hundreds of kilometres away from my parents, since college. But this time was different.

I was 22. I had no clue what to do. I was reckless. I packed my bag and went to the capital city, where I tried my luck.

I was 22. I was naive. I had no clue that people could be so cunning. I thought all people were good people. “What were you thinking?” say me now. I walked kilometres every morning. I rationed my meals to eat one normal portion twice, brunch and dinner. Well, the normal portion is usually two portions for me. My toes blistered. I lost some weight. 

I was 22. I thought people would behave the way I imagined them to. I turned down a job for this and stupidly came again and asked them to reconsider me. What a dumb! But I never regretted that I turned it down.

I was 22. The reality hit me: find a job. I landed an interview. There was a friend. I forgot her name. She was nice. The interviewer asked why I wanted the job. I said it was in my blood, but my answer was not satisfying. The interviewer eventually replied, “Well, it meant you only want to be a white-collar worker”. Touché.

I was 22. Higher education saved me. Probably because they thought my English was good. It was -and still is- so-so. I took the job and started standing on my own feet more solidly. But, it was too murky. I could not picture what I wanted. I was still naive. I could tolerate some things, and I still believe in people when they tell me, “It is already arranged; it’s legal.” I believed them. 

But eventually, I diverted. I must admit: it was not because of the morality question, as their arguments convinced me, but because something “cooler” was on the horizon.

I think I’ve turned 23 at this point. I got into a “cool” place. But I guessed people looked down at me. Well, I didn’t care. I was reckless. I did what was on my table. I did things that I considered giving me a “new experience.”

I was 23. I obeyed everything because my workplace had established its reputation. It’s cool to get hired by this company, at least at that time. I did everything. I was not good. Someone once said, “She’s not bad, but it means she’s not good either.” 

Those faint-hearted might go home crying. I did not. I only scrunched my eyebrows. It was a reflex. I had no intention. It just happened that way. Another time, someone said, “No need to double-check. I will eventually overhaul everything.” Those faint-hearted might go to the restroom crying. I did not. 

I told myself, “My target is no longer to survive this job and place. My target is to get to a point where this person makes only the smallest change to my work or even none at all.” I did, and we’ve been friends for years now.

I was 23. I tried to conform and fit into the job I was entitled to, to get recognition, survive, and tolerate changes. But I didn’t want them to change me. 

I was 23. I did what they wanted me to. I changed colours. I was a chameleon. A better way to say it, I adapted to time and situation. To survive. Or to wait for another “new experience” to come. I dressed how street vendors and a 5-star hotel concierge could welcome me. I put my suit jacket inside my bag while hopping from one place to another, from a bus to another. Sometimes, I take taxis. But, it was not practical.

I was 23. I was calm and cold. I approached things the way I would be accepted. Am I a people-pleaser? Maybe. But for sure, I did not express emotion because I often could not 100% trust what people said. I could not agree or disagree. I stated things plainly so that others could use their common sense.